The Mechanic

If you watch movies with anyone with a Y-chromosome—or if you are one of those folks yourself—inevitably you will watch at least one movie starring Jason Statham. That's a fact, look it up.

If you're really lucky, you might get to watch this gem called The Mechanic.

Riverdance helps my aim.

Contrary to what the title would lead you to believe, Statham is actually a hit man (quelle suprise), but for some reason they call it a mechanic. The only explanation offered is something to the effect of, "Mechanics fix problems." Um, yeah... Basically Statham does stuff like killing people in pools and turning them into human puppets that look like they're still swimming.

Being a mechanic also involves checking out job postings on Craigslist. Statham clicks on a post that looks like the coding is fucked up, but a few clickity-clicks later and it turns out the page was just encrypted and it has his next hit man assignment.

Oh shit! His assignment is to kill his BFF/mentor Donald Sutherland! And by the way, Sutherland is also wheelchair bound, so, you know, double-whammy. Even Statham has reservations about killing a cripple. Statham gets on his phone ASAP and speed dials his boss to demand a meeting to clear this shit up.

Apparently the best way to have a meeting is to get flown in by a private jet for a 15 minute conversation with the boss. And that's why we have global warming. Thanks a lot, Jason Statham. Anyway, he agrees to kill Donald because he thinks he killed other people. So much for being a loyal friend.

Statham loves a good joke so he tricks Donald Sutherland into rolling his wheelchair down a flight of stairs to the parking garage so he can kill him.

Statham is planning on making Sutherland's death look like an accident, but Donald would rather be shot than look like a pussy. Statham obliges.

After the funeral for some reason Statham is taking care of Don's estate or something and meets with the son, Ben Foster. Ben doesn't realize that Statham killed his dad, so he asks to be buddies and wants to learn all about being a hit man. Obviously, Statham doesn't want to do it, but he needs a hot young boy to lure one of his targets, so he enlists Ben and a chihuahua as sexy bait.

Studying for Hit Man 101

After a training montage involving a lot of shooting in the woods and reading medical books, Ben is ready to be a hit man. He kinda fucks up, but he manages to kill the guy he was seducing, so I guess it's all good. After that Ben and Statham are a dynamic duo and kill some more dudes, like a fat cult leader and other assholes that deserve to die.

Eventually Statham finds out that his boss framed Donald Sutherland, so instead of reflecting upon his poor judgment and career choices he decides to kill his boss. Obviously this entails killing a bunch of his minions first.

Ouchie

The big boss isn't impressed and he says the BEST LINE EVER:
"I'm going to put a price on your head so big that when you look in the mirror your reflection's gonna want to shoot you in the face!"

Whoa, watch out, Statham!

Eventually Statham and Ben hunt down the boss, crash his car and shoot him in the face. A lot. With machine guns. I'm pretty sure his face was hamburger afterward.

Once the boss is killed it seems like Statham and Ben should be BFFs, but instead they try to blow each other up. Guess who wins?

Duh.