Life As We Know It: Go kill yourself

I had a similar expression on my face while watching this movie

Raising kids? Ew, gross, get away from me.

That's pretty much the premise of this movie.

Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel are forced into raising their goddaughter because their BFFs—Christina Hendricks and some dude—died in a car crash and willed their offspring to the biggest idiots they knew. And those idiots had a bad date together recently and they really hate each other! How much worse can this get?!

Way worse. In addition to caring for the fetus, these two are asked to live together rent free in their dead friends' McMansion. "WHY MEEEEEE?!"

Even though they'd rather swallow razor blades than raise this kid together, they do it anyway.

I know, Josh, I don't get it either

To state the obvious, having a kid ruins their lives. Katherine Heigl owns a bakery (called Fraiche, which she insists on pronouncing Fraysh) and she wants to expand her business and hook up with a hot customer, but the baby puts everything on hold.

Josh Duhamel... well, who cares about what he was doing with his life because he's a total dick the whole time and his character's name is Messer. MESSER.

While doing their best not to kill the kid, Heigl somehow ends up with shit on her face. How could you not feel or smell that? I think the writers just really wanted an excuse to make her look like a fool. "Who cares if it doesn't make sense? Katherine Heigl will have shit on her face!" Brilliant.

Eventually they kind of get the hang of the whole baby business and then they only kind of hate each other (meaning they want to screw each other). Then one day Heigl finds out their pediatrician is the hottie from her bakery. Score! They start dating and he's smart, rich, good with kids and has a normal name: everything that Messer isn't.

But for some stupid reason she screws it all up and falls for Messer. Then they get in a fight and he moves away and she sticks with the doctor. They have an awesome life together until Messer visits for Thanksgiving and they confess their idiotic love.

"You're the only one who understands how much I hated this baby!"
"My bakery has such a dumb name, and you have a dumb name! I think it's a sign that we're meant to be together!"

And then the baby realizes it's doomed to be stuck with these morons as its primary influence in life and tries to kill itself... At least that's what it should have done, but it probably lacked the fine motor skills to tie a noose.