Unstoppable. But totally pausable and fast-forwardable

Let's start this blog off with a bang!
...Or an unfulfilled promise of crashes and explosions. You know, either/or.

So, if you were thinking of watching this movie (which was apparently inspired by true events, meaning it's true that trains usually won't stop themselves) you're better off just watching this instead:



If you still care about this movie, let me change your mind.

In case you didn't know, the premise is this: A runaway train has explosive cargo and Chris Pine and Denzel Washington have to prevent this super-likely disaster.

"But how did the train get away in the first place?!" you're asking.

The fat kid from "Boy Meets World" starts the train, jumps off for some reason and isn't agile enough to catch up to it again. Oops. And normally there is some safety switch, but that accidentally got knocked out of place. Double oops.

Note the word "walk," not "run." Not the guy you want to call to chase down a train.

Thank god Chris Pine is here to save the day! But, uh oh, things might not be as easy as they seem. He's the newbie at the train yard and big boss Denzel thinks he's a punk. And it's probably true. He keeps making sketchy cell phone calls at work. Kids these days... And I'm pretty sure that line or a variation thereof was actually used in the movie. The SNL skit wasn't an exaggeration: they actually argue about the generation gap while driving a train (not the runaway one, obviously, but another one that might crash into it). Ugh.

For about two seconds there is fake suspense because the movie folks want you to believe that this train might crash into a bunch of kids on a field trip. But that takes place about 30 minutes into the movie, so it was obvious there was no real threat. It probably would have been more entertaining if they just went for it.

I don't mean to sound cruel, I don't want kids to die in real life, but this is a movie and I want to be entertained. This wasn't even at the so-bad-it's-funny stage, it was just bad and boring. In fact, I'd love to bore you with the details and let you know what happened, but shortly after this riveting plot point I actually fell asleep.

According to my friend, though, Chris and Denzel work out their differences and the train is stopped, making the title of this movie a fucking misnomer.