Life As We Know It: Go kill yourself

I had a similar expression on my face while watching this movie

Raising kids? Ew, gross, get away from me.

That's pretty much the premise of this movie.

Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel are forced into raising their goddaughter because their BFFs—Christina Hendricks and some dude—died in a car crash and willed their offspring to the biggest idiots they knew. And those idiots had a bad date together recently and they really hate each other! How much worse can this get?!

Way worse. In addition to caring for the fetus, these two are asked to live together rent free in their dead friends' McMansion. "WHY MEEEEEE?!"

Even though they'd rather swallow razor blades than raise this kid together, they do it anyway.

I know, Josh, I don't get it either

To state the obvious, having a kid ruins their lives. Katherine Heigl owns a bakery (called Fraiche, which she insists on pronouncing Fraysh) and she wants to expand her business and hook up with a hot customer, but the baby puts everything on hold.

Josh Duhamel... well, who cares about what he was doing with his life because he's a total dick the whole time and his character's name is Messer. MESSER.

While doing their best not to kill the kid, Heigl somehow ends up with shit on her face. How could you not feel or smell that? I think the writers just really wanted an excuse to make her look like a fool. "Who cares if it doesn't make sense? Katherine Heigl will have shit on her face!" Brilliant.

Eventually they kind of get the hang of the whole baby business and then they only kind of hate each other (meaning they want to screw each other). Then one day Heigl finds out their pediatrician is the hottie from her bakery. Score! They start dating and he's smart, rich, good with kids and has a normal name: everything that Messer isn't.

But for some stupid reason she screws it all up and falls for Messer. Then they get in a fight and he moves away and she sticks with the doctor. They have an awesome life together until Messer visits for Thanksgiving and they confess their idiotic love.

"You're the only one who understands how much I hated this baby!"
"My bakery has such a dumb name, and you have a dumb name! I think it's a sign that we're meant to be together!"

And then the baby realizes it's doomed to be stuck with these morons as its primary influence in life and tries to kill itself... At least that's what it should have done, but it probably lacked the fine motor skills to tie a noose.

Unstoppable. But totally pausable and fast-forwardable

Let's start this blog off with a bang!
...Or an unfulfilled promise of crashes and explosions. You know, either/or.

So, if you were thinking of watching this movie (which was apparently inspired by true events, meaning it's true that trains usually won't stop themselves) you're better off just watching this instead:



If you still care about this movie, let me change your mind.

In case you didn't know, the premise is this: A runaway train has explosive cargo and Chris Pine and Denzel Washington have to prevent this super-likely disaster.

"But how did the train get away in the first place?!" you're asking.

The fat kid from "Boy Meets World" starts the train, jumps off for some reason and isn't agile enough to catch up to it again. Oops. And normally there is some safety switch, but that accidentally got knocked out of place. Double oops.

Note the word "walk," not "run." Not the guy you want to call to chase down a train.

Thank god Chris Pine is here to save the day! But, uh oh, things might not be as easy as they seem. He's the newbie at the train yard and big boss Denzel thinks he's a punk. And it's probably true. He keeps making sketchy cell phone calls at work. Kids these days... And I'm pretty sure that line or a variation thereof was actually used in the movie. The SNL skit wasn't an exaggeration: they actually argue about the generation gap while driving a train (not the runaway one, obviously, but another one that might crash into it). Ugh.

For about two seconds there is fake suspense because the movie folks want you to believe that this train might crash into a bunch of kids on a field trip. But that takes place about 30 minutes into the movie, so it was obvious there was no real threat. It probably would have been more entertaining if they just went for it.

I don't mean to sound cruel, I don't want kids to die in real life, but this is a movie and I want to be entertained. This wasn't even at the so-bad-it's-funny stage, it was just bad and boring. In fact, I'd love to bore you with the details and let you know what happened, but shortly after this riveting plot point I actually fell asleep.

According to my friend, though, Chris and Denzel work out their differences and the train is stopped, making the title of this movie a fucking misnomer.