Men In Black III—Neuralyze me now

Men In Black III is like one of those bad "Throwback Thursday" photos. Old friends tag you in a forgotten snapshot from high school to remind you of good times past, but instead of making you nostalgic, you question whether or not you always looked that stupid.

The movie opens up with a dominatrix skank carrying a suspiciously jiggly cake into a prison. The guards read her "Boris" back tattoo and realize she's there to visit an inmate called Boris The Animal, and after making some bad jokes about cake and STDs they let her in.

Big mistake. An alien bug jumps out of the jello cake and kills the guards, freeing Boris, who looks like a one-armed, homeless, steampunk Tim Curry, but is actually Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords.

The hiphopopotamus is in the house

The alien bug crawls into a hole in Boris' remaining hand that looks like a vagina with teeth, and together they kill more guards. They steals some weapons and then blow a hole in the prison walls that sucks everyone into space, because this prison is on the moon and fuck physics.

This is exactly what happened to Neil Armstrong when he stepped out of Apollo 11

Now that Boris is out of prison he explains his intricate plan: "I'm going back in time to kill a man before he takes my arm!" Who is that man? The suspense kills.

Back on Earth, Agent J (Will Smith) and Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) are up to their old shenanigans, wiping the public's memory about alien events and making increasingly poor cover stories for them to believe. It's still the same old "sociable, funny J" versus "surly, serious K."

But as much as things are the same, time has passed and some things have changed. For example, the "intergalactic kegger" guy from the first film is now dead. It's pretty inconsequential to the plot overall, but Agent K gives a shitty eulogy and then they're back to work.

Their alien crime investigations bring Will and K to a Chinese restaurant run by Wu from Deadwood (conveniently, his character here is also named Wu). Apparently alien Asians are just as bad at running restaurants as Earth Asians because Wu is feeding his customers dog and cat meat alien fish instead of chicken Earth fish. Yay stereotypes!

"Cocksucka screenwriters!"

Will makes a joke about being "fish slapped" and then they realize Boris and his cronies are all over the restaurant. They fight and make aliens explode, and eventually Will and K escape by dropping down an alley holding a door above their heads like a makeshift parachute. Normally this would be a terrible idea, but they have the strongest arms in the world and are able to hold on to the door as it bangs into fire escapes and it helps break their fall.

Boris yells after them, "You don't know it K, but you're already dead!" OMG, that means, Agent K is the one who took Boris' arm! (I know you're just as surprised as I was.)

Will is the only one left who doesn't realize the connection between K and Boris, so he Bings it and finds out that in addition to taking Boris' arm back in the day, K made the whole Boris race go extinct. So really, you can't blame the dude for holding a grudge.

Will goes home to his giant pug glamor shot to think about the meaning of life and gets a call from a drunk K, who now wants to explain his past with Boris. Will is too busy playing video games and being an angsty teenager to care, so K says, "Fuck this," opens a secret closet with guns to go kill Boris, but disappears instead.

Pug life

When Will goes to work the next day he's living in an alternate reality where he craves chocolate milk, K doesn't exist, and Will Arnett (a.k.a GOB) is his partner at work.

Franklin Comes Alive!

Even though GOB is amazing and they could have hilarious banter together, Will misses curmudgeon-y K. Will and his coworkers figure out that Boris must have traveled back in time and killed K, so Will has to go back and save him.

Will goes to a pawn shop and gets a pimped out stopwatch that doubles as a time machine and he travels to the 60s to save K. It ends up looking like Mad Men + Will Smith, meaning the cops are racist and Will is as sassy as ever.

He ends up meeting the young Agent K (a.k.a Josh Brolin, a.k.a. the most respectable part of this movie). Josh is skeptical of Will and almost fries his brain in an enormous neuralyzer, but ultimately they team up to find and kill Boris.

Along the way they run into Bill Hader, who is Andy Warhol/an MIB agent, and Griffin, a dude who can see into the future and basically saves their asses for the rest of the film. 

Thank god for Griffin because this post is already too long

Eventually young Agent K and Will find and kill Boris and save the world. Sadly some black guy that helped them along the way dies, and it turns out to be Will's dad for no real reason.

Will makes it back to the present day and Agent K is alive and old again. They eat pie together and all is right with the world. Well, that is until the new theme song starts playing....

Pitbull is always ruining things.

I mean, I don't even have to make any more jokes here, just read some of these amazing lyrics:

Let's excuse me baby
Go, yeah you baby
Back, ooh you groovy baby
In, let's make a movie baby
Time, excuse me baby

Or...

Give credit where credit is due don’t cha
Know that I don't give a number two

Okay world, now you know: Pitbull doesn't give a number two about anything!

The rest of this movie was tolerable, but I wish I could forget that song ever happened.

See, this song is what happens when you revive 90s franchises and pass on the opportunity for more Will Smith rap.