Men In Black III—Neuralyze me now

Men In Black III is like one of those bad "Throwback Thursday" photos. Old friends tag you in a forgotten snapshot from high school to remind you of good times past, but instead of making you nostalgic, you question whether or not you always looked that stupid.

The movie opens up with a dominatrix skank carrying a suspiciously jiggly cake into a prison. The guards read her "Boris" back tattoo and realize she's there to visit an inmate called Boris The Animal, and after making some bad jokes about cake and STDs they let her in.

Big mistake. An alien bug jumps out of the jello cake and kills the guards, freeing Boris, who looks like a one-armed, homeless, steampunk Tim Curry, but is actually Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords.

The hiphopopotamus is in the house

The alien bug crawls into a hole in Boris' remaining hand that looks like a vagina with teeth, and together they kill more guards. They steals some weapons and then blow a hole in the prison walls that sucks everyone into space, because this prison is on the moon and fuck physics.

This is exactly what happened to Neil Armstrong when he stepped out of Apollo 11

Now that Boris is out of prison he explains his intricate plan: "I'm going back in time to kill a man before he takes my arm!" Who is that man? The suspense kills.

Back on Earth, Agent J (Will Smith) and Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) are up to their old shenanigans, wiping the public's memory about alien events and making increasingly poor cover stories for them to believe. It's still the same old "sociable, funny J" versus "surly, serious K."

But as much as things are the same, time has passed and some things have changed. For example, the "intergalactic kegger" guy from the first film is now dead. It's pretty inconsequential to the plot overall, but Agent K gives a shitty eulogy and then they're back to work.

Their alien crime investigations bring Will and K to a Chinese restaurant run by Wu from Deadwood (conveniently, his character here is also named Wu). Apparently alien Asians are just as bad at running restaurants as Earth Asians because Wu is feeding his customers dog and cat meat alien fish instead of chicken Earth fish. Yay stereotypes!

"Cocksucka screenwriters!"

Will makes a joke about being "fish slapped" and then they realize Boris and his cronies are all over the restaurant. They fight and make aliens explode, and eventually Will and K escape by dropping down an alley holding a door above their heads like a makeshift parachute. Normally this would be a terrible idea, but they have the strongest arms in the world and are able to hold on to the door as it bangs into fire escapes and it helps break their fall.

Boris yells after them, "You don't know it K, but you're already dead!" OMG, that means, Agent K is the one who took Boris' arm! (I know you're just as surprised as I was.)

Will is the only one left who doesn't realize the connection between K and Boris, so he Bings it and finds out that in addition to taking Boris' arm back in the day, K made the whole Boris race go extinct. So really, you can't blame the dude for holding a grudge.

Will goes home to his giant pug glamor shot to think about the meaning of life and gets a call from a drunk K, who now wants to explain his past with Boris. Will is too busy playing video games and being an angsty teenager to care, so K says, "Fuck this," opens a secret closet with guns to go kill Boris, but disappears instead.

Pug life

When Will goes to work the next day he's living in an alternate reality where he craves chocolate milk, K doesn't exist, and Will Arnett (a.k.a GOB) is his partner at work.

Franklin Comes Alive!

Even though GOB is amazing and they could have hilarious banter together, Will misses curmudgeon-y K. Will and his coworkers figure out that Boris must have traveled back in time and killed K, so Will has to go back and save him.

Will goes to a pawn shop and gets a pimped out stopwatch that doubles as a time machine and he travels to the 60s to save K. It ends up looking like Mad Men + Will Smith, meaning the cops are racist and Will is as sassy as ever.

He ends up meeting the young Agent K (a.k.a Josh Brolin, a.k.a. the most respectable part of this movie). Josh is skeptical of Will and almost fries his brain in an enormous neuralyzer, but ultimately they team up to find and kill Boris.

Along the way they run into Bill Hader, who is Andy Warhol/an MIB agent, and Griffin, a dude who can see into the future and basically saves their asses for the rest of the film. 

Thank god for Griffin because this post is already too long

Eventually young Agent K and Will find and kill Boris and save the world. Sadly some black guy that helped them along the way dies, and it turns out to be Will's dad for no real reason.

Will makes it back to the present day and Agent K is alive and old again. They eat pie together and all is right with the world. Well, that is until the new theme song starts playing....

Pitbull is always ruining things.

I mean, I don't even have to make any more jokes here, just read some of these amazing lyrics:

Let's excuse me baby
Go, yeah you baby
Back, ooh you groovy baby
In, let's make a movie baby
Time, excuse me baby

Or...

Give credit where credit is due don’t cha
Know that I don't give a number two

Okay world, now you know: Pitbull doesn't give a number two about anything!

The rest of this movie was tolerable, but I wish I could forget that song ever happened.

See, this song is what happens when you revive 90s franchises and pass on the opportunity for more Will Smith rap.

Take Me Home Tonight.... Or actually, don't

Topher Grace movie. Need I say more? He's like the male equivalent of Katherine Heigl. When I see either of those names on a movie I know that it will be terrible, most people will like it, and I will begrudgingly watch it after a glass (or two) of wine.

Take Me Home Tonight is a fake 80s movie about Topher Grace, a loser who is hung up on a girl he pretended to kiss once in high school. His twin sister is Anna Farris, and to make anyone believe they could actually be related they uglied her up a bit.

Toph has a sad life: He graduated from MIT, but fucked up so bad that he’s working at a video rental store (remember those?). His BFF is a middle-aged creepy car salesman named Barry.

Who has two index fingers is registered under Megan's Law? This guy!

They’ve somehow known each other since 5th grade, which I infer to mean Toph was molested by Barry behind the elementary school.

Anyway, the aforementioned girl that Toph is unheathily obsessed with comes back to town and he is plotting his revenge a way to get into her pants. For some reason he calls this girl “The Frederking,” which, in addition to being her last name, sounds like a European dictator.

The Frederking really wants to rent a VHS so she goose-steps into Toph’s work. He pretends not to be creepily obsessed with her and that he’s an investment banker with Goldman Sachs. She’s a dummy and falls for it and invites him to a party.

His tiny brain explodes at the thought of getting laid, so he becomes even crazier and decides to steal a car from the dealership Barry was recently fired from. The cops in this town are slow, so Barry and Toph drive to the party and Barry brings along a stash of coke he found in the glovebox, because its the 80s and that’s what people in the 80s would do. Topher lectures Barry about not doing the coke, but he’s a drinking a wine cooler so obviously he has no business giving anybody life advice.

As soon as Toph leaves with his wine cooler Barry does all the coke and gets into a dance off. Because of course he does. Because it’s another excuse to make this movie scream 80s with more of the most obvious 80s music and ridiculous outfits and cliche dance moves. Barry goes Karate Kid on the other guy and Goth Michelle Tratchenberg is impressed.

Gross + Gross = Tru <3 4evr

Eventually Toph finds The Frederking and it's as awkward as it should be, but instead of leaving quietly he gives her the heimlich maneuver when she isn’t choking. The Frederking is charmed and they dance.

Some 80s bro (which is apparently exactly the same as a modern day bro) proposes to Anna Faris at what is essentially a frat party. All the Keystone Light goes to her head and she says yes as a shitty cover of Come On Eileen plays over a montage. Toph hates the bro and tries to talk his sister out of the engagement. In this movie they pretend she’s smart enough to get into Cambridge, and he thinks she’s throwing her life away, because he’s all about women’s lib.

Up yours, typecasting!

After lecturing his sister he scoots off to a different party with The Frederking, where he continues his women’s lib tirade and manages to get her creepy boss to back off by making up a story about a sexual harassment case at Goldman Sachs.

The Frederking confesses to Toph that she hates her job, and he’s all, “OMG, me 2!” And then they steal that thing from 500 Days of Summer where they scream “penis” in public because that's a game that is classic and timeless and will never die.

Toph and The Frederking leave the party and play truth or dare, but they don’t know how to play the fucking game properly. In case you were home schooled, the game goes like this:

THAT’S HOW YOU PLAY. But these assholes just ordered the other person to do things. That’s not a game! But anyway, after that they fuck on a trampoline, which isn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds.

Toph finally confesses that he works at a video store and The Frederking is pissed that she slept with such a plebe.

Barry convinces Toph to do coke to make himself feel better, but he ends up crashing the car they stole. And Toph's cop dad beats him up and threatens Toph to get a real job. And then Toph cries like a little bitch.

Cop dad lets the guys off the hook, so they go straight back to the party. Then Toph decides to roll around in a big metal ball, not unlike a hamster. He makes a crappy speech, says “Fuck it,” then rolls down a hill and destroys everything. The ball falls into a pool and Toph almost drowns. Neat!

Apparently riding in big metal balls is very a alpha male thing to do, because he manages to get The Frederking to like him again. Then everyone else gets their happy ending too. Barry hooks up with Goth Michelle Tratchenberg, and Anna Faris breaks up with the douchey bro.

So, the moral of the story is: coke will make you a crazy dancer and stealing cars and plot points from other movies has very little consequence.