Take Me Home Tonight.... Or actually, don't

Topher Grace movie. Need I say more? He's like the male equivalent of Katherine Heigl. When I see either of those names on a movie I know that it will be terrible, most people will like it, and I will begrudgingly watch it after a glass (or two) of wine.

Take Me Home Tonight is a fake 80s movie about Topher Grace, a loser who is hung up on a girl he pretended to kiss once in high school. His twin sister is Anna Farris, and to make anyone believe they could actually be related they uglied her up a bit.

Toph has a sad life: He graduated from MIT, but fucked up so bad that he’s working at a video rental store (remember those?). His BFF is a middle-aged creepy car salesman named Barry.

Who has two index fingers is registered under Megan's Law? This guy!

They’ve somehow known each other since 5th grade, which I infer to mean Toph was molested by Barry behind the elementary school.

Anyway, the aforementioned girl that Toph is unheathily obsessed with comes back to town and he is plotting his revenge a way to get into her pants. For some reason he calls this girl “The Frederking,” which, in addition to being her last name, sounds like a European dictator.

The Frederking really wants to rent a VHS so she goose-steps into Toph’s work. He pretends not to be creepily obsessed with her and that he’s an investment banker with Goldman Sachs. She’s a dummy and falls for it and invites him to a party.

His tiny brain explodes at the thought of getting laid, so he becomes even crazier and decides to steal a car from the dealership Barry was recently fired from. The cops in this town are slow, so Barry and Toph drive to the party and Barry brings along a stash of coke he found in the glovebox, because its the 80s and that’s what people in the 80s would do. Topher lectures Barry about not doing the coke, but he’s a drinking a wine cooler so obviously he has no business giving anybody life advice.

As soon as Toph leaves with his wine cooler Barry does all the coke and gets into a dance off. Because of course he does. Because it’s another excuse to make this movie scream 80s with more of the most obvious 80s music and ridiculous outfits and cliche dance moves. Barry goes Karate Kid on the other guy and Goth Michelle Tratchenberg is impressed.

Gross + Gross = Tru <3 4evr

Eventually Toph finds The Frederking and it's as awkward as it should be, but instead of leaving quietly he gives her the heimlich maneuver when she isn’t choking. The Frederking is charmed and they dance.

Some 80s bro (which is apparently exactly the same as a modern day bro) proposes to Anna Faris at what is essentially a frat party. All the Keystone Light goes to her head and she says yes as a shitty cover of Come On Eileen plays over a montage. Toph hates the bro and tries to talk his sister out of the engagement. In this movie they pretend she’s smart enough to get into Cambridge, and he thinks she’s throwing her life away, because he’s all about women’s lib.

Up yours, typecasting!

After lecturing his sister he scoots off to a different party with The Frederking, where he continues his women’s lib tirade and manages to get her creepy boss to back off by making up a story about a sexual harassment case at Goldman Sachs.

The Frederking confesses to Toph that she hates her job, and he’s all, “OMG, me 2!” And then they steal that thing from 500 Days of Summer where they scream “penis” in public because that's a game that is classic and timeless and will never die.

Toph and The Frederking leave the party and play truth or dare, but they don’t know how to play the fucking game properly. In case you were home schooled, the game goes like this:

THAT’S HOW YOU PLAY. But these assholes just ordered the other person to do things. That’s not a game! But anyway, after that they fuck on a trampoline, which isn’t nearly as exciting as it sounds.

Toph finally confesses that he works at a video store and The Frederking is pissed that she slept with such a plebe.

Barry convinces Toph to do coke to make himself feel better, but he ends up crashing the car they stole. And Toph's cop dad beats him up and threatens Toph to get a real job. And then Toph cries like a little bitch.

Cop dad lets the guys off the hook, so they go straight back to the party. Then Toph decides to roll around in a big metal ball, not unlike a hamster. He makes a crappy speech, says “Fuck it,” then rolls down a hill and destroys everything. The ball falls into a pool and Toph almost drowns. Neat!

Apparently riding in big metal balls is very a alpha male thing to do, because he manages to get The Frederking to like him again. Then everyone else gets their happy ending too. Barry hooks up with Goth Michelle Tratchenberg, and Anna Faris breaks up with the douchey bro.

So, the moral of the story is: coke will make you a crazy dancer and stealing cars and plot points from other movies has very little consequence.